Monday, August 05, 2013

I Smile...

I smile... I do...
 It is my armour... but it doesn't protect me... it protects the rest of my world...
 Because I know that without it everyone would see the blackness roiling inside...
 .
 .
 .
 But sometimes...Veneers crack and polishes fade...
 Letting what lies beneath peek out...
 .
 .
 I'm a little dreary today...

 Makes it hard to slap on the gloss and shine as usual....

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Life does go on....



In the last two months, life has truly been a roller coaster ride......

Between the13th of April and 12th May, three bright stars disappeared from my sky...

My grand-father... a dear, sweet, loving man.... was released from his earthly trappings... His sufferings were too many and had gone on for too long... I am glad he is finally at peace... But I do miss him... and terribly so...

Two of my lovely dogs... polar opposite personalities... Monu, my sweet cuddle-bug and Pepper- boisterous and silly and sad and sweet...
And they are both gone... I keep telling myself that I will see them again some day... But the wait seems too long... and thinking about them makes my throat tight and my eyes fill up...
.
.
.
And then on the 28th of April I got my first "Up" of the entire year...

My marriage got fixed... :)
I had written in one of my earlier posts that my parents would begin the hunt for Mr. Right... And from March 2011, a hunt it truly was!
Expectation, trepidation, hopes, dreams and doubts.... had full reign on my mind and heart....
I kept asking myself... How will I know if I'm making the right choice? How will I know if he is the one???
But when the moment came to make a decision, it was surprisingly easy...
Hubby- To- Be (HTB) seems to be pretty perfect for me!! :)

I don't want to get into the whole description process.... the small superstitious part of me keeps whispering at odd moments that if something is too good to be true, then it probably is.... And I don't want to jinx anything....

But what I will say is...

I'm pretty sure I've found such a man...

*Smiles on my face... songs on my lips... happiness in my heart... and butterflies in my stomach*

Cheers!!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

...

24th April, 2012.... Barely 11 days after losing Monu, I had to say goodbye to another beloved... Pepper...
Closest to my heart... my baby...
I wish I could write a long narrative on his life and the happiness he brought in mine... but I can't...
The wound is too raw... the grief is too fresh...
A young, happy, bouncy, lovable soul taken away before his time... and yet again, I wasn't there to say goodbye...
It is NOT FAIR!! And I have to live with that.....


Monday, April 16, 2012

Wagging tails... in memorium...

Our hero, as a puppy, was rather unimpressive... a mongrel of undetermined origins...crawling with ticks, spotted with skin infection and sporting a scrawny, candlewick- like tail....
But something about him tugged at me... and so, I brought him home...ticks and all... wrapped in a newspaper...

I'm sure if he were to describe it, the next few days when we converted him from road-mutt to socially acceptable house-dog, were pure torture...
Long and persistent soaks in medical solutions and heavy-handed combing through of matted fur... and what often seemed to be a losing- battle was finally won... I had myself a dog... my very own pet!

The next few years can be described as a collage of memories...

Coming home from school:
Everyday as I walked down my lane towards home, my mother would bring him out for a walk and let him go to run down the length of the road towards me... He had a funny way of running... as if his front and hind quarters were running a race to see which would reach me first... he would end up running diagonally, having to constantly right himself until he reached me after which I would pick him up (and as the days went by and he grew heavier- lead him by the collar) and head home...
And then one day, a few weeks later, he managed to get a peek at the view on his left... saw that there was an open field... hit the brakes and shot off into the wilderness!
After that day, it used to be a race to see who would reach that point- of- no- return first...!

Scaredy- cat to Lord of the Front yard:
He was a nervous youngling... jumping at unexpected noises, wary of unknown visitors....
And then there was the spray-painting incident... He was (finally) relaxing on the balcony when a cart rolled by... to which were attached big, black water-buffaloes...
Our poor hero, scared to his bones, instantly lost control of his bowels and sprayed the back walls with the evidence of his fright!
So we began to wonder... maybe he would be best as an "inside- the- house"- pet...
He did give the best cuddles... he would love nothing better than to climb into the nearest lap and stay there as long as the owner of the lap permitted...
He loved playing "Fetch".. of course, he never really understood the concept... he would usually run after the ball and then play tug- of- war when we tried to take it back from him...
But change he did... with age came courage... and, one day, he had a chance to redeem himself completely!
One day, when I was home alone... I heard a cacophony of barks and shouts and yells...
On going outside, I found my scaredy-cat with bared teeth and raised hackles, barking for all he was worth at the intruder sitting in the bougainvillea at the edge of our property with wire-cutters in his hand... The man was a crying, quivering mess... stuck in a tree, without escape- routes and refusing to get down...
My hero's actions gave me enough time to alert my neighbours and chase away the intruder!
My scaredy- cat was now the Lord of the Front yard!!

Our Hero gets a Heroine:
After many years of living with all-male companionship... our Hero hit jackpot when we brought home Dippy... a small, fluffy brown-eyed beauty with just the right amount of attitude! It was love at first sight...
They would sit together... go for long walks together... and greet each other with sniffy-kisses and wagging tails after long absences (long absences = 5- 10 minutes)... Theirs was a love story lasting more than 9 years...
The other male, Pepper, was left in the dust... poor fellow...

Retirement:
By now, our Hero has learnt how to run in a straight line (most of the time)... found his courage... and fallen in love... So he decided to retire...
Of course, he stayed on in a consulting capacity to keep the youngsters in shape...
The fact that his sight, hearing and heart was failing didn't deter him in the least!
But now he had more time to bask in the sun... take long naps... follow us with his eyes as he sat in His Corner of the house... and relax, in general...

At 15 years, he was slowing... and I hoped that he was happy with the life we had given him.. and that he knew what a treasure he was... and how much we loved him...
It is difficult to write about his declining health... I want to remember him as he used to be...
Full of beans... eyes dancing with laughter!

On the 13th of April, 2012, at 16 years of age... he left us to go to the great meadow in the sky...
A fast passing saved him from a lot of suffering and us from a lot of heart-ache....

But I miss him... I ache for the fact that his gentle love will not be there to greet me when I go home... and even though I know that we will meet again... I ache for the fact that I didn't get to say one last goodbye...

But I will console myself with the fact that he is whole, healthy and as full of beans as ever... running around to his heart's content... and I know that when its my turn to leave, he will be right there, waiting to guide me through to that happy place...


Friday, March 30, 2012

If I could fly away.... I would

I have been here for almost two months now... and I'm still not able to settle in...
I feel like a stranger... an impostor... the ugly duckling among the cute, fluffy, yellow chicks...
An ugly, uncomfortable feeling of being under constant scrutiny... an unwelcome hindrance...
I feel like I'm stumbling along... on a path where I'm expected to walk tall...
And at any minute... the acceptable limit of stumbles will be crossed... and the ax will fall...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

When Life blows you a raspberry...

I guess, I can blame this on Quarter- life Crisis...
__________________________
Mediocrity: Running away from it all my life...
Have I reached somewhere??
Or am I just stuck on a hamster's wheel???
__________________________

I had written some time back about finding/ being something that will make me happy/ at peace with life...
Well, my life has changed... it most definitely has...
Of all the doubts.. worries.. frustrations that plagued me for the last many, many months...
I WAS able to put a few to rest...
But you know what they say about being careful what you wish for??
You just may get it...

Monday, February 20, 2012

Blocks....

Struggling to fit in...
A round peg in a triangular hole...
Wedged in... still, empty around the edges...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I suppose its sort of expected that at 1 AM I think of writing Haiku....

A candle flickers
The beat of wings
In a shallow grave
_____

A foggy morning
The soft clip- clop
Of mysterious hooves
_____

Slim heels and gilded air
Scuffy shoes wiped against trousers
Comets bumping into planets
_____

Elongated claws, shining fangs
Demanding a stomach- rub
Sheep in wolf-skin
_____

And Ms. Brain clocks out for the night..............

Saturday, May 28, 2011

What am I doing here??

It's been 4 months since I last blogged... It's a bit of a downer to realise that I'm not missed...
I know my writing is not particularly enlightening... or thought provoking... or inspiring... and at times there is is visible struggle to remain humourous... but it is a part of me...
I'm sitting with my laptop... typing words out... and then deleting them...
Doubts are abounding... Why am I doing this?? If it's just for me, then do I even want to be here... wouldn't some pen and paper suffice??
Im particularly proud of every piece I write.. and that makes me scared to send it out into the world... knowing that it would hurt me immensely if it were to be rejected....
And yet I do.... inspite of my fear... the need to be recognised.. acknowledged is much stronger...
And still I wonder... and still the doubts linger...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Soul-searching......

I spent the whole of today working on some letters... some other minor documentation.... and fielding a few hundred phone calls...
And at the end of it all I just had one question for myself.... Is this what my life is going to be all about???
I mean, am I just destined to be an insignificant-cog-in-a-tiny-wheel-in-the-grand-machinery-of-Life??
I know, I know... without that one cog the whole machine could fall apart... blah.. blah.. blah..
But I dont want to be the insignificant-cog-in-a-tiny-wheel-in-the-grand-machinery-of-Life....
I want to be more...so much more...
I want to be that Giant Wheel that everyone can see and whose absense would be immediately missed...
But its days like today which make me doubt the possibility of that ever happening...
...
In the Sidney Sheldon novel, The Other Side of Midnight, the lead female character has this line... she wants to be Catherine Alexander The Great..... But the great what??? And at the end of it all, she is betrayed and almost killed by her husband and ends up an amnesiac recovering in some God forsaken convent....
Now is that depressing or what??!!!
....
I just have to figure this out: What do I need to do... or be... or have... to be Happy/Content/ At Peace...???
Some soul-searching is in order...