Soul-searching......

I spent the whole of today working on some letters... some other minor documentation.... and fielding a few hundred phone calls...
And at the end of it all I just had one question for myself.... Is this what my life is going to be all about???
I mean, am I just destined to be an insignificant-cog-in-a-tiny-wheel-in-the-grand-machinery-of-Life??
I know, I know... without that one cog the whole machine could fall apart... blah.. blah.. blah..
But I dont want to be the insignificant-cog-in-a-tiny-wheel-in-the-grand-machinery-of-Life....
I want to be more...so much more...
I want to be that Giant Wheel that everyone can see and whose absense would be immediately missed...
But its days like today which make me doubt the possibility of that ever happening...
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In the Sidney Sheldon novel, The Other Side of Midnight, the lead female character has this line... she wants to be Catherine Alexander The Great..... But the great what??? And at the end of it all, she is betrayed and almost killed by her husband and ends up an amnesiac recovering in some God forsaken convent....
Now is that depressing or what??!!!
....
I just have to figure this out: What do I need to do... or be... or have... to be Happy/Content/ At Peace...???
Some soul-searching is in order...

Mathemagic!!!!

This is soooo cool....
I am the proud possessor of an awesome magic trick....
And I am kind enough to demonstrate.....
Bow before me, lowly mortals!!!
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Alrighty then...
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Think of a number between 1 and 10
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Now multiply it by 5
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Then divide it by 2
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Now close your eyes....
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Dark, isn't it?
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HARHARHARHARHEEHEEHEEHOHOHOHO....
Yeah.... Im that easily pleased...

RTT: Squeakity squeakity squeak.....

Its Tuesday, and you know what that means....!! Random ramblings galore!!!!!
And for more Randomania (yes, its a word!)... go check out Keely at the Un-mom...
Cheers!
....
My shoes squeak! They are like the rogue shopping carts in malls... apparently the only available ones by the time I arrive...
Sqeakity- squeak... squeakity-squeak....
And changing the speed of my stride doesn't help either... just alters the tempo a bit...
Squeeeakity...squueeeaakk...
Gah! its annoying!!!
Now I will never be able to realise my dream of becoming a ninja assasin... boo hoo...sob...
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I've not gone out in sooo long...
I think Im going to need a refresher course in Having-a-life...
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Im really missing my parents...
Im really missing my dogs...
Its hard living away from home...
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I have finally decided on my tattoo...
Now to make the appointment...
Yes mum, its happening.. :)
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Whoop whoop!!!! (I had to let that out...)

Invisible......

You look at me.... I drop my eyes....
I skirt around your perimeter...
You talk to me... I shy away....
My heart all a-flutter...
The days go by... you walk by me...
Sparing not a glance....
I look at you... you look through me...
Me.. the eternal wall flower...

RTT: The One Where.....

Ok... Its that special time of the week again... no, thats the special time of the month...

This special time is when we get to collect all the spare bits of fluff floating round in our heads and spew them out in all their random glory!!!!

So get randomising people!!!!!!!!

And dont forget to go visit Keely for more fluffy wonders...

Alrighty then!!!

First of all...

Happy Birthday to meeee.....

Happy Birthday to meeeee......

Happy birthday to meee-eee....

Haaaaappppy birthday toooo meeeeeeee....

Phew... that's been going round my head...all morning... in the voice of a shrill opera singer

Well, its out now...

Its finally stopped raining..... awwww, Mother Nature...did you do that just for me???

Im bored...

Im not hungry though (for once!).... had a lovely extended lunch with the office bunch... oohh that rhymed!!

I have gotten the crucial parental approval to get what Ive always wanted.... A TATTOO!!!

Hmmm...what to get???

1. Its has to have something to do with dogs

2. It has to be as far away from all cliches as possible

3. It has to portray my randomness.....

Its a pretty short list... but daunting!

So Im going to ponder some more....

Anybody want to make my life simpler and make suggestions?? I will remain eternally indebted to you.... I might even eat a cupcake on your behalf!!

Cheers!!

Happy birthday tooo meeee.............. Damn! Its not gone.....

RTT: The Thumb- Twiddler Edition

So, the entirety of today has been spent at different locations accompanied by mindless thumb- twiddling.....
It has eaten away at the few remaining brain cells I have left and all that remains is a pitiful amount of randomness.....
So if you are hungry for more... Go visit Keely at The Un-Mom... she rocks!
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Can you feel hungry and full at the same time??? I do and am currently experiencing this dilemma.... to eat or not to eat....
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I just learnt today that my laptop webcam is a potential spycam for hackers... ergo, I have spent the majority of my non- thumb-twiddling time devising different webcam masking techniques... I need to be effective and discrete... So far, all I have managed to do is tear off the sticky portion of a Post- it note and stick it over the cam lens.... maybe I should colour it in..... hmmm... Am I bored and desperate enough to go that far....???
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I saw the latest Harry Potter movie... I still maintain that the books are better.... and No, Daniel Radcliffe is NOT hot...!

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Im getting a suddden craving for Pringles... mmm....
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And thats it... my thoughts have petered out...
So long everyone... Cheers!

........... Thought Flow...........

I have always thought a lot about destiny/ fate/ karma....
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Are we born with a particular life-course charted out and pre-planned for us?
That no matter what decisions we make...no matter what paths we choose... we finally end up doing the same things, meeting the same people and experiencing everything else we would have, had we taken another route??
Had I chosen another school, university, profession or company would I have had a different life or through some twist of fate... through some other means it would have been a mirror image of my current life???
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Or do we start out with a clean slate? Solely responsible for however we may turn out...
Living our life as a result of the decisions we make....
That there is a possibility of many alternative lives...some better... some worse...
Its quite a scary thought that there is no one else to blame but ourselves for whatever happens...
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Sometimes I wish I could live my life over and over again.... making different decisions everytime just to see how I would turn out in the end... Pure curiosity, of course!
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Or what if there was a machine created which showed us the future effects of all our decisions... we could have perfect lives... erase all mistakes before they happened....
But then that would mean that Life would lose its element of surprise....
Afterall, its no fun to read a book when you already know its end, is it?
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RTT: That bed sure looks comfortable....

I can feel a fever setting in as I type this blog.... my eyes are beginning to feel as though they are the size of billiards balls.... and Im positively fantasizing about my bed....
Thats the main theme of my Random entry today... idea taken from Keely at The Un-Mom... check it for more random goodness....
So why am I sick when generally I have the constitution of a horse??? The freak storm we had yesterday of course!
Now everyone knows how much I adore *ahem* the rains... but monsoon ended in September... apparently, the weather did not receive this particular memo and decided to pour a few million gallons down on us all accompanied with gale force winds...
So I was drenched and wind dried until my immune system decided to take the day off...
Result... me walking around office in zombie fashion....
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This better wear off by tomorrow....
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Ah, Monsoons! How much do I hate thee.... let me count the ways.....

Random Tuesday Ramblings...

So.. Tuesday has dawned upon me... and this time I do have some things going around in my head in some sort of semi-organized manner....

(inner voice) Haha... I just scrambled things up... Go fetch!... oohhh... you are funny when you fume like that....

(me) GAH!!!

Ok.... hmmm...lets see.... ah, right!

Im really wiped out... being an adult is a tiring job!

Laundry!! The bane of my existence (except for my daily commute... I mean three hours in a train with my nose squashed into annonymous armpits... not my idea of fun... I mean, come on! Do you expect me to be in a good mood when I come in at work after that??? seriously????) anyways, back to the point.... laundry! I just washed a bucket full of clothes.............. BY HAND! Since I dont have a washing machine I get to spend some quality time with my clothes twice a week..... 

I mean if I wanted to splash around in soapy water I'd rather it be a warm, scented bubble bath... With me relaxing (after the train ride from hell)... soft music... candles......................

Damn you, Adam and Eve!!!!! Ate that stupid apple.... Realised there was a need for clothes....

Im planning on moving out...taking a place closer to work... Hopefully that will stop the whiny-voices in my head that start popping out each evening.... It will also mean that I can walk to work.... skip the train ride altogether... plus get in some form of exercise.... Fingers crossed on that front....

On another note....The parents have just let me know that come January they will begin the hunt for Mr. Right for me.... Im still reserving my opinion on this.... An arranged marriage?....Hmm.... Am I even ready for marriage? I will probably end up breaking into manic nervous giggles like the big, scaredy- cat that I am.... What a perfect way to scare-off prospective grooms-to-be...

I think Im just going to take this whole topic and lock it up in the Pandora's Box in my head.... maybe if I forget about it, it will go away....

I mean, the parents are cool... they would be fine if I sprung a boyfriend on them.... However, my lack of said boyfriend plus my inability to get guys interested (my few relationships havent lasted longer than breath-mints..)... all points towards the fact that maybe by the end of the next year I would be engaged to be married to a nice, decent, parent- approved boy... from my caste... whose horoscope matches mine..... 

Ummm.... yeah.... That kinda kicked-out most of the other thoughts in my head....

Hmmm.... let me see... no...nah... nope... nada...totally empty....

Well, its almost midnight...Tuesday is drawing to a close and so is this entry....

Go check out more randomness at the Un-Mom.... Be good... and play nice....

Cheers!

A monsoon rant....

So from my other posts it must be obvious how much I hate the monsoons.... I also hate people during the monsoons....
Case in point....
People walking on the roads..... Yeah lady, that means you! Its raining bucket-loads of water and if you have a gazillion bags in your hands and are trying to get your umbrella to co-operate (I feel for you...Believe me, I do..) try not to yak/ text on your phone at the same time.... I realise you cannot multi task as well as me... but if your umbrella whacks me on the head one more time or grazes close enough for me to fear for the safety of my eyes, Im sure you will not blame me if I take the pointy end of my umbrella and shove it up your nose!!!!
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Also, all you other people.... its raining... its crowded... and we are running a gauntlet between passing cars and people like Ms. Stabby mentioned above.... try to move your legs at a faster pace than that of grazing cows.... and if you have to stop and smell the roses...or chew cud... I suggest you move your asses to the very side of the effing road and give the people who are actually going somewhere the place to move!!!!!!!
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Please try not to act so offended when I shove past you muttering profanities (in all the languages I know)....
If you want me in a better mood, you can either-

1. Haul ass; or
2. Wait till September ends

Cheers!

Random Tuesday Thoughts

I better write everything down before I get distracted.... or get caught...

Why do I always seem to forget what Ive been thinking just when I got to write it down??

Dang it! Now I have to make stuff up....

.....I hate the rains... we go on and on about how romantic the rains are.... I have absolutely no clue what is so damn romantic about trudging through slushy roads and getting splashed by passing cars... and I have to remember to keep my mouth shut (I tend to talk to myself sing while walking...) otherwise I might get some of the splashed water in my mouth...catch some rare disease and die...

.....Just grabbed an opportunity to get out of the office for a site visit....

.....Have just realised that I have perfected the art of going on standby mode with my eyes open... bonus is having people believe that Im a thinker....

.....Another hour before I can leave work... get out, party, let my hair down... nah, who am I kidding??? I just switch my PC for my laptop and continue surfing the internet....

I wish I could write something more eloquent..or funny...or even slightly more interesting... but Im feeling a little brain dead right now... so Im thankful for whatever my brain is managing to eke out right now....

There arent too many reading my blog... ok, I have, like, one follower.... but whoever is reading this... and wants to do the same... I got this idea from Keely ... so go see her blog.... she is way (raised to infinity) better than I can ever hope to be....

Hopefully, next Tuesday might be better... Hope springs eternal!!!

Cheers!

Dear God/ Creator/ Higher Power/ watchyumaycallit....

This is your humble blogger... I know we dont talk a lot... you may even be surprised to hear from me today...
I just wanted to thank you... for everything I am and everything I have...
I realise that I complain......... A LOT! But in my saner moments, I do realise that while it is occasionally hard, my life is way better than a majority of the teeming populace....

• I have a loving family... a stable home... a safe haven to go hide when I feel I cant deal with the world
• I am healthy... I have all my limbs... my brain is in the right place
• I have the means of earning a livelihood... a good one.. :)
• I have experienced unconditional love... I have had the chance to give unconditional love...
• I have gotten the joy of reading a good book and finding solace within its pages...

I began making this list a few days ago... as a self help cure to chase away my blues... And I realised that I had a very large list of things to be thankful about (above list being non-exhaustive)....

And that made me realise that for a fairly observant person... I can be pretty dense...

When I talk about little toy sellers...or Anne Frank... and see live examples everyday.... I realise I can be a pesky whiner at times.... And I want to apologise for that, God...

So, thank you for everything!

Cheers!!!

Bringing up to date....

I am almost a half- month into my new life... Its going pretty good...
Of course, it sucks not having hot breakfast prepared by my mum ready for me when I wake up... Fending for myself is a whole new experience and honestly, its not so bad...
Im enjoying coming to work every morning... getting up early, foraging for breakfast, catching the bus.... its all an adventure!
I never thought I was going to find a line of work where I felt comfortable with myself.... and at the risk of jinxing it I can seriously say that I have a strong feeling that this job will bring me the niche that I am looking for in my life....
I have my dreams... I want to see them take wings..... and Im scared.... terrified even...
I sometimes lie awake at night wondering what my future will hold...searching for the answer in the darkness of my room...
I want to learn... I want to grow... and in my naivete- I wish I could one day possess everything my heart desires....
I yearn for this wish to come true.... I am being guided along a path... but the end is nowhere near in sight and the road covered in mist.... I just have to keep moving forward- with complete faith in myself- and hope that when I finally reach the end of that road I should be able to leave it with a contented smile on my face.....

My cup runneth over................

For the first time in my life I feel as if its raining soup and I have been handed a bowl and spoon!

...... I was recently awarded a gold medal for scholastic excellence!! A rarity for me given my unparalled love for lazing around...
...... the parents are in a state of bragging-to-any-random-stranger-about-their-awesome-daughter- happy .... which is a first!
...... I am finally being considered competent enough to enter the big, bad world of adults... I have a job...a place of my own... and a ton of responsibility... Im ABSOLUTELY loving it!!
...... I get my own Blackberry!!!!!! WOOOOHOOOO.... :D

This happiness, however, has been slightly tempered by a rejection on the personal front.... but Im pretending to be practical about it all.... these are my arguments...

...... Too much happiness is never good for anybody's sanity... there has got to be a little yin to my yang.... although I would'nt mind going a little nuts....

...... I'm older... I'm stronger... I can weather out any storm....

...... I have faced rejection numerous times before and I'm still here, aren't I?

I am strong... and I will survive... I have a lot of positive on my side to counter the negative...

I just really wish I would be able to sleep happier.... the dark brings about an onslaught of morose reflections... I realise that....

..... I am a hopeless romantic stuck inside the body of a fat, spectacled nerd....

..... The fat, ugly girl never gets picked to be cheerleader....

..... The outer shell is all that matters.... you could be the source of all sunshine on the inside and no one would care....

So I'm being the good, little nerd that I am and

..... squashing out the romantic in me

..... getting into my books, my work, my blog and the TV and not getting out

..... basking in the glory of my gold medal....

and I realise.... it's not half bad....

Even though I may be well on my way to being a ostrich with my head stuck in the ground.... for the time being it makes everything seem alright... I can carry a shovel to dig myself out of my rut....... sometime in the future....

I dream a dream of time gone by.....

I know its no use living in the past... the past is dead and gone... 

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust....

And how I wish I knew of a way to go back... to a simpler time...a happier time...

When responsibilities did not mean sleepless nights... rushing against the clock.... antacids....

Where dreams were not crushed...they soared freely.... A time with unlimited possibilities.... 

Where did that time get lost???

Friendships are now measured by their diminishing marginal utility... they come with an expiry date...

Cynicism is so rampant... innocence is totally lost...

A friend said recently that growing up is overrated....

When will we realise that...???

Innocence Lost

A wee little girl,
No older than eight,
Arranged her dolls in her doll house to play;
Daddy’s at work and mommy’s in the market
House to herself
No one there to interrupt
A push on the doorbell,
“Who is it”, she says
“It’s your favorite cousin”, the voice on the other end claims.
Another playmate and so she joyfully bounds,
The door swings open with hardly a sound.
Little girls didn’t yet know of wolves in sheepskins,
Alas, her mother had never factored this incident in.
The dolls watched in horror,
As innocence was lost;
And another star in the sky crumbled to fine dust...

View from behind the glass...

I'm on the outside... looking in...

At a glass dome of activity to which I am a mere spectator

You might say I am free... and that they are trapped... like monkeys in a zoo...

Enslaved in their coccoons of laughter, chatter and companionship...

 You tell me to turn around...look behind me... the entire universe stretching out for me to explore and conquer...

And yet what wouldn't I give to be a part of the buzz......

Forests never sleep...

You are watched... as you bumble around... making your way through the foliage...

The trees have eyes.

Every whisper of your breath... every little crunch of leaves beneath your feet is heard...

The winds have ears.

Branches reach out to scrape their fingers across your arms... its unavoidable.

Try as hard as you like... you cannot hide

From the glowing eyes in the grasses...